The Perfectionist Imposter

Update #2 on the Forthcoming Podcast

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

I have done a poor job of taking you behind-the-scenes to see the work that is taking place. In fact, I imagine, you may wonder whether this project has come to a screeching halt. It has not. It is moving forward, taking shape with each step, even though each one is painstakingly slow. 

So, why so slow? 

Part of it is due to the fact that this project is a labor of love. Concurrently, I am searching for work in a tough market, and have been for months. Sometimes, when I sit to work on an essay or some aspect of the podcast, I feel guilty. I should be focused on something that will bring home revenue. And then I stop. I am also navigating chronic health issues, which often sap my energy and steal my attention away. And, most importantly, I am engaged in the work of being a partner and a father to two energetic boys. 

That’s not the whole story, however. Some of it is no doubt due to my perfectionistic tendencies. I don’t want to put out content. There is already more content than we could ever consume in a million lifetimes. I want to put out writing and audio stories that support us in becoming more loving fathers and that help us to create community with each other. This aspiration, though, is often hijacked by the elementary school kid in me for whom anything less than a 100 or an A was failure. I’m working on letting this go, but to be real, I often still find myself staring at what I’ve written, judging: It’s not good enough yet. It needs another revision.

Finally, there is my own imposter syndrome. What a cliche, I know! But worn out cliche or not, the spirit of not feeling enough lives inside my bones. It is a debilitating spirit that robs me of risk and adventure and the growth of putting myself in spaces where I will not be great, or even good, but could be invited into an experience of transformation. It is a voice late at night that tries to convince me in whispers that I should just put the project down. It’s not a real thing, and I’m not a real writer or podcaster.

But, today, I’ve decided to bypass perfection and feeling less-than. I am remembering what Jack Kornfield has encouraged me, and millions of us, to ask ourselves: What would love have me do today? And, I am answering that call. I am returning to this project because, based on feedback I’ve gotten directly, it has been of benefit to some dads and caregivers out there. 

So here I am, writing this update in one take, with minimal editing. 

Now to the actual update. Where are things at? 

I have recorded four podcast episodes, each in various stages of post production. The goal is to have ten this first season, but we’ll drop the first 5 as a part one once they are completed. One is a reflective conversation with two dear friends about our journey through fatherhood so far. Another is a more specific conversation with two other dear friends as we explore how we tend, and don’t tend, to our partnerships in the midst of the exhausting labor of caregiving. The third is a conversation with a parent coach, one who was of immense help to my family when we hit a rough patch with one of our boys. We explore what parent coaching is, and is not, and how it might be a resource to you. And the fourth is a conversation with the authors of The Good Life, specifically focused on tactics and ways to build a dad community for ourselves. The likely fifth episode will explore what it means to be a father in an age of climate crisis, an all too timely topic. 

I’m my own worst critic. But, I think objectively I can say that some of the conversations so far are quite good, some show my rookie-status as a facilitator of audio conversations, but all, I believe have something to offer a dad out there who is looking to try out new practices in his fathering. 

And that brings me to a really important point: I never want you to be just a reader or listener. My hope is that you take what feels useful and try it out in your life, and then reflect on what impact that has, if any. As a bigger aspiration, I hope you’ll be in conversation with fellow dads about what you learned. 

To that end, I plan to facilitate some of those conversations under The Practice of Fatherhood umbrella. I don’t know if that will be on the Substack, or via the podcast. I also don’t know the format yet: real-time chat or live video conversation or a recorded Zoom call with a few dads from the community. (If you have thoughts, please share!) In short I will be bringing dads together to reflect in community. 

And who knows, maybe this will lead, down the line, into IRL events. I think we need it. I know I do. 

One final update, this time on the writing side. I hope to ship the latest essay in the next two weeks. It explores the lack of emotional education we as men often suffer, how that impacts how we feel and how we father, and what we can do, concretely, to begin cultivating that capacity within ourselves. Stay tuned. 

With love, from a perfectionist imposter who nonetheless loves fatherhood and so is pushing this project forward, one slow step at a time.

Chris